I do often think when my life flows totally against expectations
Am I living with the motive to love or to be loved?
We can do things with contentment
Or simply retain power through obligations
Why am I becoming angry about the real things my brain acknowledged already
This is how the emotions override logical reasons
That’s why I am still thinking about past
That’s what I am afraid of people
That’s what I am afraid of me
I’m sorry dear me… For keeping all these small details in my head
The sweetest memories… The craziest moments and the tearful stories
That’s how it is supposedly
I will express as it is Bcz’ I don’t wanna live with the fear of rejection by the standards set by anyone
Evenif the sky falls down, I wanna stand up, heads high, heart full of gratitude and hope for goodness
Dear self… At times I fall down and cry for the promises I gave
But I won’t give up as I love you life for everything I am blessed with
You don’t wake up one day and suddenly become a beautiful butterfly
Everything has it’s pace
Often we get confused between two ideas
Which kind of one you are??
If you want something, make it happen
If it’s yours, it will come to you
Whenever I get in to this dilemma
Sit back and analyse the incidents happens around
For certain things, we have to get up and workout on the obstacles
It might require the timely interventions and efforts
There are other things which need immense patience and will to accept
Bcz’ our efforts can’t make changes on certain situation
They ought to take time
Just keep it as it is
What I’ve learnt is,
Build the wisdom to distinguish between these two choices
No matter how slow you go, try to make the best of it
For a cup of tea..
For a balcony..
For an evening..
There are so many stories to tell about me that I don’t even know how to tell.
Because it’s probably a heavy task for the brain to remember all this until the tea is over.
How many friendships the whole world has started with a cup of tea. How many of us have run out of tea?
Can’t we just tell someone.. we want to go and have tea with them again?
Have you ever had to share tea with someone you don’t like at all?
When you get tired of walking, what else tastes like the tea your mother gave you?
Haven’t we been conscious about the purse and just drank tea when we want to buy something else to eat?
There are those who have gone so far as to never invite me to have a cup of tea again?
Like sipping a cup of tea on the balcony .. or how did I hit it ??
We say things
And when it loose the transparency,
When things looks blurred
Again we say “I didn’t mean that. You mistook it. You are convincing me”
Why should I listen the blame for other’s poor communication
Let them fix it first before they make promises which they don’t even remember
Let them set the priorities before they guess my feelings and say it’s wrong
Let them take whomever they wish to without interfering my existence
Let them stop lying about their actions
Your life is your responsibility and your promises are yours
The same for mine too
When someone say “It all started once you entered in my path”
Just review the statement and guess the pain if you are listening it
And again you say “I didn’t mean, but I have promises to keep, though you are there or not”
Healthy bonds are not built of mere promises
For anyone who are struggling with your bonds when someone entered, just communicate it clearly
It’s not the problem with the new one, but you don’t know how to be pure with both
Showing a different face at different place and people can’t save you for a long-term
Because actors are also humans once they sets out of stage
For me, I value that ‘ being clear’ than anything
I do listen this from many people
“You have changed a lot”
When the people knew me in the past says this
Initially I used to criticize and tell me
“They might have felt hurt
I shouldn’t have changed my nature”
After a long time I realized something which I never thought before
People rarely change
Even if they change, it’s more or less of what they already have!!
When a shift in character is much required for your own validation
Though it seems to be wrong for everyone who knows you till the moment
Go ahead and see what happens
Either it’s a lesson or it’s beginning of another era
Life has this quite wonderful transition which is much indeed
For the people who say you’ve changed
It’s the affirmation which your life gives back for the inputs you received and processed
Be happy for the changes
Either it can break or it can make
Moreover it’s better than being stagnant
How does the real heartbreak look like?
When you give all your blood and sweat for your people
And when you say
You need help
They node their head with disappointment
They open their hands and shows nothing to give you
What happens here?
Are we expecting the same love you gave
Are we expecting them to treat with the same affection you gave
It’s ok to feel hurt in such intense moments
But we shouldn’t harden our heart for the reason
Bcz’ it’s a scar on the soul and it would make an ashamed mark
Which might hinder us to be the kind hearted again
Your soul is not validated by other’s reactions!!
When I was breaking inside
Because I know I need chaos and storms
To renovate the home I built inside
To my dear self..
Whenever you sat in peace for a longtime
There is a murmur that you often tried to listen but never took so serious
For that I love you at times and I hate it too
Walking out of the pine walley, I know I will slip in mud and my beautiful jacket is gonna be full of dirt
But I didn’t stop stepping into the valley
All alone I wanted to do it for me
Because I know one day when I recollect the moments by moving my fingers over the letters in my diary
I want to see the smile on your face for not giving up
Everytime you go up and down
I am here!! Whispering..”You love sine waves and that’s why”
I am in love with these chaos, without that how could I became me
I know you will scream at certain moments
But I would also like to tell you
All the strangers around you are surviving the battle in some way
In their own way
That’s how it’s directed by the universe
Just fall in love with that and flow with more ease than burdening your heart with syncing emotions
Dear self…Be busy with improving and learning through all the hurdles I give you
I want to shake and shape the best in you!!!
At the end of the day I used to count the moments I felt lonely!!!
And I felt I am being lonely even when I am engaged within a conversation
Or when I am actively doing something
I started thinking about people who died out of loneliness!!
It’s like a drug that makes you addictive in a slow pace
It’s a psychological thurst for an unknown destination
We will literarily feel blank if you stepped into the lonely space suddenly on a morning
But I promise you…
Once you conquest it, you know how to deal with yourself and that itself is a self realization
In this journey if I couldn’t find how to deal with my emotional imbalances and complexities, how can I ask someone else for a hand…
Once in a while… Just feel the lone incumbent state…
It helps us to retain the value of people who stood with us
Remind it.. Write it.. Feel the gratitude…
And then learn the art of holding the hands of lonely walkers and earn the courage to step out when we feel they are able to walk the rest alone, but with a smile…
Extract the substance in solidarity…
Realize the essence in aloneness…
That much dynamic life is…
Hence I believe in the power of aloneness..
Can I die out of loneliness? Probably NO…
I don’t want anyone whom I know to feel the same too